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Funny Jokes



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Why Mobiles are Not allowed in schools ?






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Funny Jokes

Do You Believe In Ghosts?

A professor at Auburn University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. Getting a feel for his students, he asks "How many of you believein ghosts?" About 80 of his students raise their hands.
"That's a good start I suppose. Those of you who believe in ghosts, how many have actually seen a ghost?" About 30 students raise their hands.
"That's good. I'm really glad you're taking this seriously. Ok, has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About a dozen students raise their hands.
"That's a great response. Has anyone ever touched a ghost?" Two students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one last question... have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He removes his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, in all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever actually claimed to have slept with aghost. Why don't you come up here and tell us about it."
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."
The student replies, "Ghost? Oh... I thought you said 'goats'!"


A kid's view on marriage


What Exactly Is Marriage?

"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents" -Eric, six years old

"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out." -Anita, nine years old.



How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry?

"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." -Kelly, nine years old

"My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's what I'll do....I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." -Carolyn, eight years old



Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife" -Bert, five years old



How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?

"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values." -Lottie, nine years old

"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind." -Jeremy, eight years old.



What Do Most People Do on a Date?

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." -Martin, ten years old

"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." -Craig, nine years old.



When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone?

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." -Allan, ten years old

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you....If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." -Kally, nine years old.


The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?



"You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan" -Kirsten, ten years old

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them" -Anita, nine years old

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." -Will, seven years


Night Court In Ny

It was the usual scene in the City's Night Court, the Police had
rounded up the usual collection of street walkers and brought
them before the Judge; three stood before him, all arrested on
the same corner. He asked the first lady what she had to say for
herself.

The woman was irate, "I don't know what this is all about your
Honor. I'm a college student doing research for a term paper."

The Judge sighed, turned to the second lady and requested her to
testify.

The woman began crying softly and said, "Judge, I am just a
housewife out getting a pack of cigarettes for my husband. I have
no idea why I was arrested."

The Judge shook his head and turned to the last of the trio and
asked her occupation.

The woman said simply, "I'm a hooker."

Refreshed at her honesty, the Judge laughed and said, "How's
business?"

She sneered and replied, "Terrible Judge, with all these students
and housewives around, I can't turn a single trick."


Money Talks!

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."

He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."


They don't Talk

They were married, but since the argument they had a few days earlier, they hadn't been talking to each other.

Instead, they were giving each other written notes.

One evening he gave her a paper where it said:

"Wake me up tomorrow morning at 6 am."

The next morning he woke up and saw that it was 9 o'clock.

Naturally he got very angry, but as he turned around he found a note on his pillow saying:

"Wake up, it's 6 o'clock!"


Men Are Like

..Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.

..Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

..Bike helmets.
They're good in emergencies but usually just look silly.

..Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.

..Copiers.
You need them in reproduction but that's about it.

..Lava lamps.
Fun to look at it but not all that bright.

..Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

..High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

..Curling irons.
They're always hot and always in your hair.

..Mini skirts.
If your not careful they'll creep up your legs.

..Handguns.
Keep one around long enough and your gonna want to shoot it.

..Floor tiles.
Lay them right the first time and you can walk on them for a lifetime.

..Parking spots.
The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.

..Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.


Little Red Riding Hood

Little Red Riding Hood was going through the forest to her
Grandmother's house when she came across a squirrel. The squirrel
said,

"Watch out, the Big Bad Wolf is looking for you, and when he
finds you, he's going to flip up your little red skirt, pull down
your little red panties and screw your brains out!"

Little Red Riding Hood ignored the squirrel's warning and
continued down the road to her Grandmother's house. Soon she
encountered a sparrow, who said,

"Little Red Riding Hood, look out, the Wolf is after you, and
when he finds you, he's going to flip up your little red skirt,
pull down your little red panties and screw your brains out!"

Little Red Riding Hood ignored the sparrow and continued to
Grandma's house. As she got to the front gate, the wolf jumped
out from behind a bush and said

"Little Red Riding Hood, I'm going to flip up your little red
skirt, pull down your little red panties and screw your brains
out!"

Little Red Riding Hood reached into her basket, pulled out her
pistol and put it to the Wolf's nose.

"No, you're going to eat me like the storybook says!"


Only you, darling


Wife asks her husband: "How many women have you slept with?"

Husband proudly replies: "Only you Darling; with all the others, I was awake!"



Newly wed couple (Adult joke)

this newly wed couple were on there honey moon and where about to have sex:

wife: before we do this i have something i have to tell u.

husband: we're married now, u can tell me anything.

wife: i'm flat chested.

husband: i don't believe u..prove it.

So she takes off her shirt.

husband: holy shit i never seen a smaller chest, but i have something i have to tell u too.

wife: we're married now u can tell me anything.

husband: im "weighed like a baby".

wife: i don't believe you, prove it.

So he takes off his pants.

wife: i thought u sayed u were weighed like a baby?!

husband: i am 6lbs 7ounces!


Monkey Butt

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"


Marriage Lessons (Relationship Joke)

On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.

"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"

Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness --and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."



Costume Party

A couple was going to a costume party. Her husband Dick was unsure of
what costume to wear. Dick's wife was telling him to hurry or they
would be late for the party. She was walking down the stairs from
the bedroom, completely naked except on her feet were a big old
floppy pair of boots.

"Where is your costume?" the husband asked.

"This is it," replied his wife.

"What the heck kind of costume is that?" asked the husband.

"Why, I am going as Puss in Boots," explains the wife. "Now hurry
and get your costume on."

The husband went downstairs and was back in about two minutes. He
also was completely naked except he had a potato slid over his
penis.

"What the heck kind of costume is that?" asked the wife.

Well if you can be "PUSS IN BOOTS", I can be the "DICTATOR".


Be Politically Correct With Women

She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.

She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.

She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.

She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.

She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.

She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.

She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE

She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.

She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.

She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.

She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.

She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.

She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
New Puppy

Two blondes went to the pound where each adopted a puppy. The joy of their new best friend was quickly overshadowed when they got home and the first blonde said, "I think we're in trouble, how are we going to tell them apart?"

This lead to several hours of concentration until finally, the second blonde said, "I've got an idea. We'll tie a red bow around my puppy and a blue bow around yours."

The next day the first blonde comes running up to the second when she got home, "Oh no, I can't tell whose puppy is whose. They've pulled the ribbons off while they were playing."

"OK, we need to find a better way to tell them apart," says the second blonde. After several more hours of concentration, they came up with the bright idea of getting different colored collars.

Again, the next day, the first blonde comes running up to the second as soon as she gets home, "Oh no, I can't tell whose puppy is whose. They've pulled their collars off while they were playing."

"There's got to be some way to tell them apart," says the second blonde.

After several more hours of concentration, the first blonde finally comes up with another idea, "I know! Why don't you take the black one and I'll take the white one!"



Pierre the Fighter Pilot

It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre the fighter pilot and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" He grabs a bottle of merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" asks the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles, and they start kissing.

Things began to heat up. Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." He tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.

"Pierre, what are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"

Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of cognac and pours it in her lap. He strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river.

Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms up and screams furiously, "Pierre, what in the hell do you think you're doing?"

Pierre stands up defiantly and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"


Living in 2012

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.




2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.




3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.




4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.




5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.





6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.




7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.




8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.



10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.




11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.





12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.



13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.




14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.




15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list





AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.



Hearing Problems

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He
finally went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set
of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman returned to the doctor a month later for a re-check.

The doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased
that you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit
around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"


Blonde paint job

Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."


Smartest Man in the World


A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."



I Want to Buy That

I Want to Buy That

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"



Men & Women

Discoveries and Inventions by Men and Women

Men discovered COLOURS and invented PAINT,
Women discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP.

Men discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION,
Women discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.

Men discovered GAMBLING and invented CARDS,
Women discovered CARDS and invented WITCHERY.

Men discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD,
Women discovered FOOD and invented DIET.

Men discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE,
Women discovered LOVE and invented MARRIAGE.

Men discovered TRADING and invented MONEY,
Women discovered MONEY and invented SHOPPING.

Thereafter Men have discovered and invented a lot of things… While Women STUCK to shopping...


0 to 200 in 6 seconds

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.



Computers sex

An English professor was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language. He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she".

One of the students raised their hand and asked "What 'gender' is a computer?"
The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups - males in one, females in the other - and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

The men on the other hand decided that computers should definitely be referreCoffee, what a wonderfull drink!!!
You know you are addiicted to coffee if:

- you grind your coffee beans in your mouth
- you sleep with your eyes open
- you have to watch videos in fast-forward
- the only time you're standing still is during the earthquake
- you can take a picture of yourself from 10 feet away without using the
timer
- you've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week
- your eyes stay open when you sneeze
- you chew on other people's fingernails
- the nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse
- you can type 60 words per minute with your feet
- you can jump-start your car without cables
- you don't sweet, you percolate
- you walk 20 miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged
in
- you forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them
- you've build a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers
- instant coffee takes to long...
- you channel surf faster without a remote
- you have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug
- you short out motion detectors
- you don't even wait for the water to boil anymore
- you help your dog chase it's tail
- you soak your dentures in coffee overnight
- your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup
- you get a speeding ticket even when you're parked
- you answer the door before people knockd to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.



Wake Up Call

A man is having a problem getting an erection so he goes to see
his doctor. The doctor runs all kinds of tests and finally
decides that he can cure the man.

"There is nothing wrong with you physically," explains the doctor
"you're just suffering from 'performance anxiety.'"

"Well what can I do?" asks the man

"My advice is to wait until your wife is asleep and then reach
down between her legs and get a little of her love juice on your
finger and rub it under your nose. This will stimulate your brain
and should result in an erection. With your wife asleep there
will be no performance anxiety. Once the desired effect is
achieved, wake up your wife and make love to her"

This makes perfect sense to the man and he can't wait to get home
and try it that night.

After his wife has gone to sleep he follows the doctor's advice
and reaches down between her legs, gets some of her love juice
and rubs it on his upper lip right under his nose. After a minute
or two he starts to feel a tingling between his legs, so he grabs
some more juice and rubs it under his nose. The next thing he
knows he has a full erection. He is so happy he can't wait to
show his wife and share the good news. He wakes her up and says
excitedly'

"Look honey, look what I have!!"

She rolls over, looks at him and says,

"You wake me up at two in the morning to show me that you have a
bloody nose??"


Ladies Rooms!

A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the mensroom door, it was “OCCUPIED”. The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The buttons were marked “WW, WA, PP and ATR”.

Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.

He carefully pressed the first button marked “WW” and immedately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, “WOW, the women really have it made!”. Still curious, he pressed the button marked “WA” and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world! The button marked “PP” yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn’t resist the last button marked “ATR”.

When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, “What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!” The nurse replied, “Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the “ATR” button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover… Your penis is under your pillow!”



25″ Pennis!

A man with a 25-inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is unable to get any women to have sex with him. They all tell him that his penis is too long. “Doctor,” he asks in total frustration, “Is there any way you can shorten it?” The doctor replies, “Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you out.” So the doctor gives him directions to the witch.

The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. “Witch, my penis is 25-inches long and I can’t get any women to have sex with me. Can you help me shorten it?”
The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, “I think I have a solution to your problem. What you have to do is go to this pond deep in the forest. In the pond, you will see a frog sitting on a log who can help solve your dilemma. First you must ask the frog, will you marry me? Each time the frog declines your proposal, your penis will be five inches shorter.”
The man’s face lights up and he dashes off into the forest. He calls out to the frog, “Will you marry me?”

The frog looks at him dejectedly and replies, “NO!”

The man looks down and suddenly his penis is 5 inches shorter. “Wow,” he screams out loud, “This is great!!” But he is still too long at 20 inches, so he asks the frog again.” “Frog, will you marry me?” the guy shouts.

The frog rolls its eyes back in its head and screams back, “NO!”

The man feels another twitch in his penis, looks down, and it’s another 5 inches shorter. The man laughs, “This is fantastic.” He looks down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflects for a moment. Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal. Grinning, he looks across the pond and yells out, “Frog, will you marry me?”

The frog looks back across pond shaking its head, “How many times do I have to tell you? NO, NO, and for the last time, NO!”


Fired and Hired!

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

“Louise,” he moaned, “tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?”

“Even worse,” she said, her voice oozing scorn. “You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.”

“He’s an asshole,” John said. “Piss on him.”

“You did,” came the reply. “And he fired you.”

“Well, screw him!” said John.

“I did. You’re back at work on Monday.


A math lesson

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

“Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I’ll be home before midnight. – Your Husband”

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

“Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don’t wait up.”
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perfect collection

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Thanks

thanks

Thank you

thanks !

Thanks